I don't understand why some people find it so hard to grasp the concept of a person being bisexual; especially if that person is a female. That doesn't mean they want to have sex with any and everybody. It doesn't mean that she likes to have sex with other girls for a man's entertainment or pleasure. If a woman is bisexual, it simply means she likes both men and women.
I know some of you are reading this like "well duh, I know what bisexual means." But sometimes I honestly don't think people get it. (Yes I am a bisexual woman. I'm not just speaking on their behalf) I've always liked both guys and girls. I kept it a secret for a long time because of religion and fear or what my friends and parents would say or how they would react. I had a brief slip in High School when it came out a little bit, but everyone just brushed it off as a phase... and I let them. Shame on me not being true to myself blah blah blah, yeah I know.
Anyway, I wound up dating a girl, and I cared about her so much, I couldn't imagine hurting her by introducing her to people as "my friend" knowing it was much more than that. People were shocked. Some stopped talking to me, others said it was just a phase... Again. Although she and I were together for over a year, it ended, and my next relationship just happened to be with a man. Now everyone is asking "so you're not gay anymore?".....
Seriously?? *sigh* Let me try to explain in laments terms.
1. I never said I was gay. I like both sexes, that makes me bisexual. When I'm dating a woman, it doesn't make me gay, and when I'm dating a man, it doesn't make me straight. I can understand those assumptions coming from people who don't know me, from the outside looking in; but my friends?? Come on guys... get it together.
2. I never "switched teams." I never picked one to begin with ;-)
My question is, why is it so serious for you to put a label on who is sexing me? Whether I am called gay, straight, bisexual, weird, confused, or when ever else people choose to call me, it doesn't change who I am, what I like, or who I'm with... So HOP OFF LoL the labels are for you, if it helps you sleep better at night.
When I said you in this entry, I did not necessarily mean "YOU" the reader, but if you took offense or were moved the wrong way, then I am talking to you...
Monday, July 30, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
L.U.S.T.
Although I want you here and now
I do not dare to break the vow
I made
So long ago
A commitment to me
And also to He
That's when it became a "We" kind of thing
That was before I met you
And now, as I reminisce on the times gone by
Those joyous occasions
Turned to laughs done dry
Tears in my eyes, and worry in my head
Do I dare enter another man's bed?
Does another woman belong there?
Would it make it okay?
See now I'm getting carried away
I can not
I shall not
I will
NOT
My will to "not" is growing thin
If only the sparks that flew
When I was blinded by love
Would begin again
But then again
If I was blinded, then
How could I see?
He, Me, and also We
Then there's you
From a distance
Like an oasis in the sand
Perfect in my mind
But always out of the reach of my hand
Friday, June 15, 2012
Mind Games
"Come here." Malcolm said. Asia rolled her eyes at him. She was getting tired of playing these pretend games with her son's father. Every Friday she would take Zakeem to see his daddy. After the hour and a half train ride from Harlem to Brooklyn, little Za Za would be more than ready to take a nap. Asia would change her son's clothes and lay him down to sleep, all the while Malcolm would be grinding behind her. She had given up trying to get him to stop months ago. It seemed like telling him she didn't want it only turned him on even more. As much as she didn't want to encourage him, she loved her weekly fix.
She was torn as she looked at the diamond ring on her left hand that Jamal had given her the day after her son was born. He'd told her that he loved her to death. When first met, Asia was already pregnant. After a few months he told her he didn't care that the baby wasn't his.He was falling in love with her. He vowed to be there for her no matter what. As she laid in recovery 6 months later, he got down on one knee and slipped the ring on her finger. They weren't even dating, but the best relationships come from solid friendships right? Zakeem would be one in three months, and she still hadn't given Jamal the goods. He loved her to death and she knew it, yet here she was, allowing Malcolm to pull her off the bed where their son lay sleeping and into the living-room where they had fucked countless times before.
"No, I have to go." Asia said pulling away, but Malcolm pulled her back and locked her in his embrace. She tried to push herself away, but it was useless. He brought her face to his and kissed her full on the lips. For an instant she melted. He was using one hand to hold her against him and the other was busy trying to get into her pants. She stopped resisting and let the inevitable happen. Malcolm felt her body relax and smiled. He told her to lift up her arms and she complied. He lifted her shirt over her head, unfastened her bra, letting her breast fall out of each cup simultaneously. He kissed each one before laying her down and pulling her pants off in one swift motion; something he had mastered long ago. He took off his boxers and as he was unwrapping the condom Asia finally came to her senses. She sat up and reached for her shirt. Malcolm pushed her back down.
"Stop playing." Asia said as she attempted to get up.
"I'm not playin." He replied pushing her down again. This time he lifted her legs over his shoulders and pulled her hips towards the edge of the couch. He entered her entirely in one swift thrust, taking her breath away. A million thoughts ran through her mind as he rammed himself into her over and over again, harder each time.She loved it.She loved him.She hated it.She felt guilty.
By the time he emptied his load Asia was in tears. Malcolm stood up and went to the bathroom to wash himself off. When he returned, Asia was still in the same position he left her in. Legs crumpled beneath her on the floor, head resting on the edge of the couch where her juices had soaked in.
"Yo, get up." Malcolm said as he kicked her panties towards her. Weakly, she began to get dressed. She looked at him: Brand new Jordan's on his feet, True jeans, a crisp Polo shirt to match. His hair was neatly braided... A design that she had created and braided herself. The diamonds in his ears, on his wrist, on his finger... All of it disgusted her at that moment. Finally dressed in her Pretty Girl jeans and Rainbow top, she walked right up to him and decided to tell him how she felt.
"I fucking HATE you." She said, pushing him out of her way. He pulled her back.
"What do you mean?"
"You heard what the fuck I said."
"So now all of a sudden you hate me?"
"Yes!" She yelled turning away.
"Why?" He asked reaching for her hand. She didn't resist.
"Look at you. Look at how you treat me. You always say that when I'm in Brooklyn I never spend any time with you, but when I am here, you just fuck me and send me on my way."
"I do not."
"THEN you have the nerve to tell me you love me. Fuck you!"
"Asia..."
"You make me feel like shit."
"Asia."
"You just use me to get your nuts off."
"Asia."
"WHAT?!"
"If I didn't care about you I would call you to come over in the middle of the night and fuck you in my car. I don't treat you like these other bitches. You just always wanna cry and bitch about something. I don't know what the fuck you want anymore. You tell me you love me then you hate me. You say I fuck you and kick you out but most of the time its YOU hightailing your ass out of here to go smoke with ya friends. Before you go yelling and crying about shit, check yourself."She stared at him for a good long while.
"You know what Malcolm? You're right. You know me all too well, but apparently still not well enough." With that, she gathered her things, kissed her sleeping son goodbye and left.
Asia was a woman of routine, and today was Friday. Zakeem was at his father's house *check* She had already copped a quarter *check* Got the buddy *check* and was headed to her home girls house. It was 1 in the afternoon, but she knew that there was a great possibility that Stephanie and Trisha were still sleeping. She had a lot to get done before she had to go to work later on that night. The usual neighborhood boys were chilling on the block. They parted like the read sea as Asia passed, some of them trying to grab her hand and talk to her. Even though some of them were really cute, most of them were young, in age and in the head. They were nickle and dime hustlers. She saw these same boys every time she came to see Stephanie and Trisha. No matter what time it was they were always there. She didn't have time for that, and she didn't want t be associated with any of them. She played her part though. She smiled and was always polite. Asia had the tendency to flirt with out realizing it. She was a natural. Flirting had its advantages, like getting into the building without a key.
"Thank you" she said and smiled as she walked in.
"No problem ma. What's your name?" She continued walking. She never told them her name and she didn't care to know theirs either. Malcolm had just pushed the wrong button on her nerves, and she was set to put his ass back in his place. She knew she was wrong, but in her world, everything had to be wrong to be right.
She was torn as she looked at the diamond ring on her left hand that Jamal had given her the day after her son was born. He'd told her that he loved her to death. When first met, Asia was already pregnant. After a few months he told her he didn't care that the baby wasn't his.He was falling in love with her. He vowed to be there for her no matter what. As she laid in recovery 6 months later, he got down on one knee and slipped the ring on her finger. They weren't even dating, but the best relationships come from solid friendships right? Zakeem would be one in three months, and she still hadn't given Jamal the goods. He loved her to death and she knew it, yet here she was, allowing Malcolm to pull her off the bed where their son lay sleeping and into the living-room where they had fucked countless times before.
"No, I have to go." Asia said pulling away, but Malcolm pulled her back and locked her in his embrace. She tried to push herself away, but it was useless. He brought her face to his and kissed her full on the lips. For an instant she melted. He was using one hand to hold her against him and the other was busy trying to get into her pants. She stopped resisting and let the inevitable happen. Malcolm felt her body relax and smiled. He told her to lift up her arms and she complied. He lifted her shirt over her head, unfastened her bra, letting her breast fall out of each cup simultaneously. He kissed each one before laying her down and pulling her pants off in one swift motion; something he had mastered long ago. He took off his boxers and as he was unwrapping the condom Asia finally came to her senses. She sat up and reached for her shirt. Malcolm pushed her back down.
"Stop playing." Asia said as she attempted to get up.
"I'm not playin." He replied pushing her down again. This time he lifted her legs over his shoulders and pulled her hips towards the edge of the couch. He entered her entirely in one swift thrust, taking her breath away. A million thoughts ran through her mind as he rammed himself into her over and over again, harder each time.She loved it.She loved him.She hated it.She felt guilty.
By the time he emptied his load Asia was in tears. Malcolm stood up and went to the bathroom to wash himself off. When he returned, Asia was still in the same position he left her in. Legs crumpled beneath her on the floor, head resting on the edge of the couch where her juices had soaked in.
"Yo, get up." Malcolm said as he kicked her panties towards her. Weakly, she began to get dressed. She looked at him: Brand new Jordan's on his feet, True jeans, a crisp Polo shirt to match. His hair was neatly braided... A design that she had created and braided herself. The diamonds in his ears, on his wrist, on his finger... All of it disgusted her at that moment. Finally dressed in her Pretty Girl jeans and Rainbow top, she walked right up to him and decided to tell him how she felt.
"I fucking HATE you." She said, pushing him out of her way. He pulled her back.
"What do you mean?"
"You heard what the fuck I said."
"So now all of a sudden you hate me?"
"Yes!" She yelled turning away.
"Why?" He asked reaching for her hand. She didn't resist.
"Look at you. Look at how you treat me. You always say that when I'm in Brooklyn I never spend any time with you, but when I am here, you just fuck me and send me on my way."
"I do not."
"THEN you have the nerve to tell me you love me. Fuck you!"
"Asia..."
"You make me feel like shit."
"Asia."
"You just use me to get your nuts off."
"Asia."
"WHAT?!"
"If I didn't care about you I would call you to come over in the middle of the night and fuck you in my car. I don't treat you like these other bitches. You just always wanna cry and bitch about something. I don't know what the fuck you want anymore. You tell me you love me then you hate me. You say I fuck you and kick you out but most of the time its YOU hightailing your ass out of here to go smoke with ya friends. Before you go yelling and crying about shit, check yourself."She stared at him for a good long while.
"You know what Malcolm? You're right. You know me all too well, but apparently still not well enough." With that, she gathered her things, kissed her sleeping son goodbye and left.
Asia was a woman of routine, and today was Friday. Zakeem was at his father's house *check* She had already copped a quarter *check* Got the buddy *check* and was headed to her home girls house. It was 1 in the afternoon, but she knew that there was a great possibility that Stephanie and Trisha were still sleeping. She had a lot to get done before she had to go to work later on that night. The usual neighborhood boys were chilling on the block. They parted like the read sea as Asia passed, some of them trying to grab her hand and talk to her. Even though some of them were really cute, most of them were young, in age and in the head. They were nickle and dime hustlers. She saw these same boys every time she came to see Stephanie and Trisha. No matter what time it was they were always there. She didn't have time for that, and she didn't want t be associated with any of them. She played her part though. She smiled and was always polite. Asia had the tendency to flirt with out realizing it. She was a natural. Flirting had its advantages, like getting into the building without a key.
"Thank you" she said and smiled as she walked in.
"No problem ma. What's your name?" She continued walking. She never told them her name and she didn't care to know theirs either. Malcolm had just pushed the wrong button on her nerves, and she was set to put his ass back in his place. She knew she was wrong, but in her world, everything had to be wrong to be right.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
#ImJustSayin
These feelings I have I cant ignore em
But still I store em
And act on em just a lil bit
But if I really acted out the thoughts
That I be thinkin in my head
Would it really be that bad?
Would some people treat me weird?
(Probably)
But thats a good way
To sort out fiction from the truth
When all is said and done
I'll really see whose who
But still I store em
And act on em just a lil bit
But if I really acted out the thoughts
That I be thinkin in my head
Would it really be that bad?
Would some people treat me weird?
(Probably)
But thats a good way
To sort out fiction from the truth
When all is said and done
I'll really see whose who
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Talking to Myself
"Conscience makes cowards of us all" - Hamlet
I am jealous. Yes, I will admit it. So what? I don't like to share, which is funny, because people have to share me. I often spread myself thin.
I am angry.
You try not to let it get the best of you, but I know you can feel me seething through your pores. You know you're pissed.
But I'm in a position where I can't say or do anything... Except leave
That's what you always do!!
But I don't want to anymore. I think those watching have come to expect that of me... From me. I can't just give them what they want.
Yet you beat yourself up all the time doing exactly that. Why do you think you're so angry? You stress yourself trying to please others and your efforts go unnoticed. Why do you think you are jealous.
I am only jealous of what is mine.
And what you feel should be yours; like love, attention, affection.
I get all of that.
Do you really?
Yes really. I don't want for anything...
Then why are you so mad at yourself?
I never said I was mad at me.
You see... you think you've changed so much, but you're still the same. You are ME!
But I am not you...
Me: 1
Me: 0
I am jealous. Yes, I will admit it. So what? I don't like to share, which is funny, because people have to share me. I often spread myself thin.
I am angry.
You try not to let it get the best of you, but I know you can feel me seething through your pores. You know you're pissed.
But I'm in a position where I can't say or do anything... Except leave
That's what you always do!!
But I don't want to anymore. I think those watching have come to expect that of me... From me. I can't just give them what they want.
Yet you beat yourself up all the time doing exactly that. Why do you think you're so angry? You stress yourself trying to please others and your efforts go unnoticed. Why do you think you are jealous.
I am only jealous of what is mine.
And what you feel should be yours; like love, attention, affection.
I get all of that.
Do you really?
Yes really. I don't want for anything...
Then why are you so mad at yourself?
I never said I was mad at me.
You see... you think you've changed so much, but you're still the same. You are ME!
But I am not you...
Me: 1
Me: 0
Monday, June 4, 2012
Social Networking Etiquette
"I don't have a lot of friends. I just happened to cross paths with a lot of people as I lived my life. It's kind of "socially" expected for me to add these people on Facebook..."
-Sad but True-
-TeLLiey*
Remember I said it...
When I sit around and laugh with my friends I often joke around and say "Yea watch, I'm gunna be famous, and if I'm not famous then I'm gunna be rich". I say it in a joking matter but some don't realize just how serious I am.
I believe that the only reason I have not been blessed with that which I desire is because Im simply not ready for it yet. God is not gunna give you a thousand dollars if you blow 100 on nonsense. So he cant bless me with my house until I get an apt. He cant give me a mini mansion until he sees that I can handle a house. But the most important thing to know is that God isn't gunna just give you anything. You have to work hard for it, and when He knows that you'll truly appreciate the blessings that He's about to drench you with, you'll be given everything your little heart desires. That goes for money, your house, your car (that you always wanted), even your significant other. Maybe you don't have someone because you wouldn't appreciate them if you did... ever thought about that?
Sometimes you don't get what you want because of you. I realized that... I couldn't have what I wanted, what I cried for, what I prayed for, simply because I refused to let go of the very thing that was holding me down and holding me back. But Never no more...
I got what I wanted
And I couldn't be happier...
There's still more coming...
And I'm still gunna be famous..
Or rich,
Either one works :)
.
I believe that the only reason I have not been blessed with that which I desire is because Im simply not ready for it yet. God is not gunna give you a thousand dollars if you blow 100 on nonsense. So he cant bless me with my house until I get an apt. He cant give me a mini mansion until he sees that I can handle a house. But the most important thing to know is that God isn't gunna just give you anything. You have to work hard for it, and when He knows that you'll truly appreciate the blessings that He's about to drench you with, you'll be given everything your little heart desires. That goes for money, your house, your car (that you always wanted), even your significant other. Maybe you don't have someone because you wouldn't appreciate them if you did... ever thought about that?
Sometimes you don't get what you want because of you. I realized that... I couldn't have what I wanted, what I cried for, what I prayed for, simply because I refused to let go of the very thing that was holding me down and holding me back. But Never no more...
I got what I wanted
And I couldn't be happier...
There's still more coming...
And I'm still gunna be famous..
Or rich,
Either one works :)
.
Rebound Reflections
When I close my eyes, I get lost in the thoughts...
Of you, and of I, but mostly about us
Was it really love, or unavoidable circumstance?
Either way, you and I
Yes WE both took that chance
Carelessly of course
Which was unbeknownst to us
Still we took our shot at trying
To be young mature adults
And then it happened
The fucking turned to loving
My heart started catching feelings
And soon I was saying
"I will never leave him"
Yet here I am, by myself...
Well not with you anyway
This time last year
I could've never imagined I would've seen this day
But it was clear
Starting when I looked in the mirror
And couldn't for the life of me
See a reflection of myself
I was lost...
And I still am a little
I know exactly what I want
The question is
How the hell do I get it?
I'm not wit it
This emotional roller coaster got me so sick wit it
I'm sick and tired of it
I try to learn from it
But its too complicated
So I get frustrated
When I listened to my heart
Its like I knew I was right
But when the shit fucked up
"I should've followed my mind" I thought
Just like I'm thinking right now
Taking notes for the future
About the shit that went down
WE scarred my heart
WE held on too long
WE tried to force us back together
And the flames it caused
Got us both burned
Now that the troubled waters are dying down
The smoke is clearing out...
Our hearts can be found
Broken and bruised
But still able to mend
I don't know about you
But I already began
Of you, and of I, but mostly about us
Was it really love, or unavoidable circumstance?
Either way, you and I
Yes WE both took that chance
Carelessly of course
Which was unbeknownst to us
Still we took our shot at trying
To be young mature adults
And then it happened
The fucking turned to loving
My heart started catching feelings
And soon I was saying
"I will never leave him"
Yet here I am, by myself...
Well not with you anyway
This time last year
I could've never imagined I would've seen this day
But it was clear
Starting when I looked in the mirror
And couldn't for the life of me
See a reflection of myself
I was lost...
And I still am a little
I know exactly what I want
The question is
How the hell do I get it?
I'm not wit it
This emotional roller coaster got me so sick wit it
I'm sick and tired of it
I try to learn from it
But its too complicated
So I get frustrated
When I listened to my heart
Its like I knew I was right
But when the shit fucked up
"I should've followed my mind" I thought
Just like I'm thinking right now
Taking notes for the future
About the shit that went down
WE scarred my heart
WE held on too long
WE tried to force us back together
And the flames it caused
Got us both burned
Now that the troubled waters are dying down
The smoke is clearing out...
Our hearts can be found
Broken and bruised
But still able to mend
I don't know about you
But I already began
Monday, May 21, 2012
I have NOT failed
Sometimes I look back at my life and look at where I am now and I feel like I failed. But according to who though? As far as I'm concerned there's always another day and another chance. I can't keep living my life according to what others expect me to do, because honestly, they didn't do what I expected them to either. Why does the scale of how others rate and judge me have such a big impact on my own self worth? I believe its because I think I failed them. Not me. I want to be successful, but I learned in a class I took a few months ago that everyone defines success differently. Some see it as having money, and a house and a car and blah blah blah. I failed my mother because I was not a straight A student. According to her I didn't reach my full potential in High School and I just did the bear minimum to get by. This might be true, but with the mind frame I was in and comparing my High School years in New York to my High School years with her, I made a hell of an improvement, and I am damn proud of me. I graduated on time. I failed my father for every reason in the book. Some how some way, I always let him down. He's let me down too. For most of my life actually. My father gave me millions of empty promises and sometimes he still does. I don't think he does it on purpose, but I really wish he would stop writing checks with his desires and just be there for me. I just want my family to be there for me. I wish they would all stop dwelling on my failed achievements, my mistakes and my flaws. I wish everyone would stop making plans for me and making me feel like I'm making the wrong decision when I choose not to follow the path that they picked. Maybe I'm hard headed. That's what they always tell me, but maybe I just want to make my own choices, live my own life, make my own mistakes and have my own experiences. I have not failed. I have barely begun to achieve, and trust me, I will achieve. I just wish someone other than me would believe in me.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Family Boundaries
Family is important
But so are boundaries
And it astounds me
That I didn’t see it as clearly years ago
As I do today
I guess it’s a small victory in life
That I have yet to apply
I guess that’s why sometimes I cry
When they’re smiling in the pretty pictures on Facebook
All dolled up in their prom dresses and suits
Just like the prom I never got to go to
You see, it is family
That supposedly loves you the most
And yet you push them away as adolescents
Maybe later
You live to regret it
Because it’s true
And they’re so much nicer now
With only an underlying tone of the bitch before
Did you ever wonder why?
Because I still don’t know
It doesn’t matter though
Because I still can’t forget about the boundaries
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Just A Story
“On today of all days” I said out loud to myself as I drove away from the college. Today was my college graduation, an amazing feat seeing that I had damn near flunked out of High School. It had been a beautiful day for the ceremony but as if the sky was in tune with my emotions the first few rain drops hit my windshield as the first few tears escaped my eyes. My boyfriend, as charming and handsome as he was, had no choice but to admit that he had been cheating on me for nearly all if not our entire relationship. His High School sweet heart/girlfriend, to my recent knowledge, had been invited by his mother as sort of a Graduation gift. I couldn’t believe it. She was waiting for him at the end of the stage when his name was called and tongued him down in front of everyone. I was so shocked I just got up and left without even waiting to cross the stage myself. Its not like I had any family there to support me anyway. I had ran away from Brooklyn to go to Florida the day I received my diploma, leaving my family behind. My father was an addict, and my mother had never been much of a mother to me. All of my siblings were in one foster home or another. So as far as I was concerned it was just me.
I walked into my apartment and stared at our stuff. Jason had gone half on pretty much everything in this apartment. I was so proud that we had or own, but looking at it now made me sick. I was beginning to wonder what was wrong with me. Almost every single boyfriend I ever had cheated on me… All except one, but he was probably somewhere back in Brooklyn living his own life. I sat down on the couch letting it all sink in when my cell phone rang. It was my best friend. I cried my heart out to her and told her what had happened. “Damn Mika, I’m so sorry. So what are you gunna do now?” she asked. I shook my head even though I knew she couldn’t hear me. I didn’t know. With me and Jason together the apartment and the bills were easy to split, but by myself it would be damn near impossible. “Why don’t you come out here?” she suggested. I thought about it. “You know what Monique, I think I will. As a matter of fact, I think that’s the best thing I heard all day.” I got off the phone and went to my closet and started packing. I threw everything I had in my suitcases, grabbed the biggest bag I could find, stuffed my shoes in it and shoved everything in my car. Before walking out for the last time, I sat down in the kitchen and wrote him a letter.
Dear Jason,
I knew you were a very clever man, but this here my darling takes the cake. I see now why we never went to you family affairs, or maybe you did and I was just left behind thinking you were somewhere else doing something else but I had no idea there was always someone else. How ever it goes, this has been a grand scene. I must admit your game is tight. In the words of Rihanna “you put on quite a show, really had me going… very entertaining” You really deserve a standing ovation, but consider your debt paid in full. Don’t wait up for me, I wont be back.
Fuck you very much
Tamika
I proceeded to the bedroom where I left the note on the bed. I took all of his clothes and put them in the bath tub and ran the hot water, adding a whole bottle of Clorox to the mix. When the tub was full I went back to the bedroom opened the window and began throwing his shoes out and into the pool. The neighbors started yelling but I didn’t give a rats ass. Three and a half years of my life had been wasted putting trust, love, and devotion into a man that was clearly leading a double life. Fuck him, I thought. I walked out the door never looking back.
The drive to Philly was a long one but I was glad I had made it. I occupied my time on the road continuing to get revenge. I called the bank with my brother on three way. I had given him all of Jason’s information so he could act as if her were him, and had his entire account transferred to mine. I was $12,000 richer and there wasn’t a damn thing Jason could do about it. I thought of it as a parting gift for myself. I pulled up into the drive way and Monique ran out to greet me. We had been best friends since the 2nd grade and no matter where I was, we always remained close. “I have a surprise for you” she said as soon as we let go of each other. “Come on Monique you KNOW I hate surprises.” I moaned, but she practically dragged me to the front door. “You’ll appreciate this one.” she promised. “Come on.” We entered the house and I didn’t see anything special. Then out of no where Eric appeared. I stood there for what I was sure at least 5 minutes with my mouth wide open. “Surprise!” Monique giggled. “I don’t get a hug or nothing?” Eric said holding his arms out. I was beyond surprised. Eric was that one who wasn’t like all the rest, the only one that hadn’t cheated, at least not to my knowledge. I was happy but not so trusting.
We all had a good time that night celebrating my graduation and laughing at me. “Seems like every time you graduate from something you take off running” Monique said. “Yea” Eric piped in “After 5th grade graduation, you moved, then after Jr. High you were gone again.” I laughed along with them. It wasn’t my fault. That was just the past my life was supposed to take I guess. Eric and I caught up on old times and I found out that he had just moved to Philly about a year ago. It was nice that he was here, another familiar face, but he didn’t get into detail about too much of anything. Same old Eric I thought. He used to always tell me “If I you don’t know too much, you cant say too much, so you can never get me in too much trouble.” That was back when we were Bonnie and Clyde, even though I never fit the Bonnie part well. He was probably deep into the drug game, probably deeper by now I thought. He had been hustling since I first learned how to eat sunflower seeds.
As time went by things got better. I got a good job thanks to my degree, and I moved into my own apartment. Eric and I continue to talk and soon we were an item. He slept over almost every night and had pretty much everything he needed at my house. He would send flowers to my job randomly but somehow it was always at the right time, when I was sad or stressed. One night while we were at home watching a movie he told me he had to go back to Brooklyn for a few weeks to handle some business. I wanted to ask what kind of business took a few weeks, but knowing him for so long, I knew that he wouldn’t go into detail so I didn’t bother. We made love that night. Well not so much love as he was pounding my back out. It was a crazy goodbye session that left my sore all over and my insides swollen. He left the next morning and as I watched him walk to his car my female intuition was screaming that something was wrong. I paid it no mind because obviously this so called intuition was on an extended vacation when Jason had done his dirt. I showered and dressed and rode over to Monique’s house. I had a key so I let myself in and made breakfast and Margaritas. Monique came downstairs being woken by the sound of the blender. “Breakfast smells good, but don’t you think its too early for drinks?” she asked. “What? Miss ‘let me take a shot because I’m thirsty’ is turning down a drink?” I asked handing her a glass and a plate. We both laughed. We were far from alcoholics but we both drank like fish.
“I was gunna ask you to come up with me to Brooklyn” Monique said between sips
“Eric just left this morning to go up there.” I said.
“Oh yea?”
“He said he had some business to attend to”
“Well while he takes care of our business we can take care of ours”
“Aight” I said. “Sounds like a plan. What you wanna go up there for anyway”
“I got this new boo I met out here last week, but he live in Brooklyn, so I figured why not. I can go see my boo, get some shopping done, see the family and kill madd birds with one stone.”
We finished breakfast her running her mouth all the while about her boo “Dice“. I helped her pack then we rode over to my place so I could get my stuff and then we hit the road. I made her drive since I was still sore not to mention tired.
Brooklyn was well… Brooklyn. Monique politely dropped herself off at Dice house and after introductions were made told me to pick her up at 11 so we could go party in the city. I took my free time to go back to my old block. I chilled with all my old friends and later scooped up all of my siblings and took them out to IHOP. After dropping each one off at their respective address I realized that I never settled and unpacked. Up to now I didn’t think about where I was going to stay. I called Eric planning on surprising him, but he didn’t answer so I decided to go visit his mother. When she opened the door she was more than happy to see me. She invited me in and we talked for about an hour. When I told her that Eric and I were back together her only reply was “Is that so?” with a strange expression on her face. Suddenly she said she had some things to do and told me I should go. She rushed me out of the house so fast I forgot my keys on the table. I turned around and knocked on the door but she didn’t answer. I banged harder. “Mrs. Dafiere I left my keys! I cant leave if I don’t have my keys.” She finally returned shoving the keys through the barely cracked door. “Hold the door open Ma.” I turned to see a group of girls walking up the steps. Mrs. Dafiere looked like she had just seen a ghost. I turned to leave, all of the girls staring at me. “Who was that” one of them asked. “No one” Mrs. Dafiere replied. My intuition was yelling at me again and I couldn’t help but listen this time. “You wanna come to the hospital with us?” was the last thing I heard before I started my engine and music came blasting through my speakers. The girls were still looking back at me. I should have turned down my music to hear the conversation but a part of me didn’t want to know. I decided to just check into a hotel in the city and have Monique take a cab to meet me up there. I took pleasure in getting a full body massage in my suite. I hadn’t pampered myself like this in… well… never. Thought I deserved it though, my nerves were a bit rattled from the pale look on Mrs. Dafiere’s face as well as the faces of those girls watching me suspiciously. Monique called to cancel on me for our party plans because she was sore, but I had a feeling she was trying to stay with Dice for a few more rounds. I didn’t mind. I told her where I was and to meet me in the morning. I ordered a bottle of wine and chilled in the room dancing naked to the sounds of Jah Cure mesmerized by the beautiful scene of the concrete jungle.
Early in the morning Eric called me. He told me he was just calling to check in on me. I was still half asleep and mumbled something back to him. He told me he would be really busy the next few days so not to be worried if he didn’t pick up and he would call me when ever he had a chance. We exchanged our goodbyes and I immediately fell back asleep. When Monique arrived later we took a sweet guilty pleasure in shutting the city down. We hit up all the stores that had something pretty in the window. Up until now I hadn’t spent the money I took from Jason, but now I was burning a serious hole in that shit and loving every minute of it. After a day full day of shopping, eating, and shopping again we were exhausted but ready to party. We got all dolled up and decided to call some of our other girls from Brooklyn to come party with us. I was planning on picking everyone up myself but no one could decide who would be the designated driver and Monique had pretty much texted every girl from our old clique there was no way 12 girls were going to fit in my Lexus. “I have an idea!” Renee yelled suddenly. “Why don’t we just get a limo?” she was practically jumping up and down like a little kid. “Seriously Monique? A limo?” “Why not?” she asked. “The girls haven’t seen you in forever, you doing good for yourself, and if we going in VIP we might s well do it all the way legit.” I thought about it for a minute. “Fuck it, why not” I finally agreed. We didn’t tell the girls that we were coming in a limo, we just showed up. Everyone was excited. We decided to go to Webster Hall. We walked in like a celebrity entourage, the crowd parting like the red sea as we made our way straight to the front of the line and right up to VIP where our section was waiting with bottles on deck. We started popping immediately and began to have a good time. There was a sudden uproar of cheers coming from our right and Moet was flying everywhere. I was pissed it had gotten on my new dress but I was tipsy enough to let it slide. However, being nosy, I made my way over to the group guys from where the liquor had flown. Surprisingly I knew most of them. I hugged the guys making my way of the center of the group where one guy was ecstatic. “My Nigga is a mutha fuckin father!! I cant believe it! My manz is a fucking father now!” I smiled, thinking it was nice it was for a bunch of guys to be celebrating fatherhood, even though I thought the ‘Father’ should be with the baby and its mother. There was a huge cake on their table that said “Congratulations” with the newborn’s first picture on it. Just then Eric turned around. I sauntered over to him and gave him a hug and kissed him on the lips pressing my body against his. The cheers from the crowd suddenly stopped. Just then the DJ made a shout out “Big up to my boy Eric on your first born. I see you!” All of my girls had gathered around and watched as I pulled back and slowly walked away and out of the club. I was devastated. More so I was pissed the hell off. Why was it always me. I was about to go back in the club and raise hell but Monique came running out of the club looking for me. “I’m so sorry! I was gunna tell you but…” she was still talking but the first part of her sentence was stuck in my head. I was gunna tell you but…
To Be Continued...
I walked into my apartment and stared at our stuff. Jason had gone half on pretty much everything in this apartment. I was so proud that we had or own, but looking at it now made me sick. I was beginning to wonder what was wrong with me. Almost every single boyfriend I ever had cheated on me… All except one, but he was probably somewhere back in Brooklyn living his own life. I sat down on the couch letting it all sink in when my cell phone rang. It was my best friend. I cried my heart out to her and told her what had happened. “Damn Mika, I’m so sorry. So what are you gunna do now?” she asked. I shook my head even though I knew she couldn’t hear me. I didn’t know. With me and Jason together the apartment and the bills were easy to split, but by myself it would be damn near impossible. “Why don’t you come out here?” she suggested. I thought about it. “You know what Monique, I think I will. As a matter of fact, I think that’s the best thing I heard all day.” I got off the phone and went to my closet and started packing. I threw everything I had in my suitcases, grabbed the biggest bag I could find, stuffed my shoes in it and shoved everything in my car. Before walking out for the last time, I sat down in the kitchen and wrote him a letter.
Dear Jason,
I knew you were a very clever man, but this here my darling takes the cake. I see now why we never went to you family affairs, or maybe you did and I was just left behind thinking you were somewhere else doing something else but I had no idea there was always someone else. How ever it goes, this has been a grand scene. I must admit your game is tight. In the words of Rihanna “you put on quite a show, really had me going… very entertaining” You really deserve a standing ovation, but consider your debt paid in full. Don’t wait up for me, I wont be back.
Fuck you very much
Tamika
I proceeded to the bedroom where I left the note on the bed. I took all of his clothes and put them in the bath tub and ran the hot water, adding a whole bottle of Clorox to the mix. When the tub was full I went back to the bedroom opened the window and began throwing his shoes out and into the pool. The neighbors started yelling but I didn’t give a rats ass. Three and a half years of my life had been wasted putting trust, love, and devotion into a man that was clearly leading a double life. Fuck him, I thought. I walked out the door never looking back.
The drive to Philly was a long one but I was glad I had made it. I occupied my time on the road continuing to get revenge. I called the bank with my brother on three way. I had given him all of Jason’s information so he could act as if her were him, and had his entire account transferred to mine. I was $12,000 richer and there wasn’t a damn thing Jason could do about it. I thought of it as a parting gift for myself. I pulled up into the drive way and Monique ran out to greet me. We had been best friends since the 2nd grade and no matter where I was, we always remained close. “I have a surprise for you” she said as soon as we let go of each other. “Come on Monique you KNOW I hate surprises.” I moaned, but she practically dragged me to the front door. “You’ll appreciate this one.” she promised. “Come on.” We entered the house and I didn’t see anything special. Then out of no where Eric appeared. I stood there for what I was sure at least 5 minutes with my mouth wide open. “Surprise!” Monique giggled. “I don’t get a hug or nothing?” Eric said holding his arms out. I was beyond surprised. Eric was that one who wasn’t like all the rest, the only one that hadn’t cheated, at least not to my knowledge. I was happy but not so trusting.
We all had a good time that night celebrating my graduation and laughing at me. “Seems like every time you graduate from something you take off running” Monique said. “Yea” Eric piped in “After 5th grade graduation, you moved, then after Jr. High you were gone again.” I laughed along with them. It wasn’t my fault. That was just the past my life was supposed to take I guess. Eric and I caught up on old times and I found out that he had just moved to Philly about a year ago. It was nice that he was here, another familiar face, but he didn’t get into detail about too much of anything. Same old Eric I thought. He used to always tell me “If I you don’t know too much, you cant say too much, so you can never get me in too much trouble.” That was back when we were Bonnie and Clyde, even though I never fit the Bonnie part well. He was probably deep into the drug game, probably deeper by now I thought. He had been hustling since I first learned how to eat sunflower seeds.
As time went by things got better. I got a good job thanks to my degree, and I moved into my own apartment. Eric and I continue to talk and soon we were an item. He slept over almost every night and had pretty much everything he needed at my house. He would send flowers to my job randomly but somehow it was always at the right time, when I was sad or stressed. One night while we were at home watching a movie he told me he had to go back to Brooklyn for a few weeks to handle some business. I wanted to ask what kind of business took a few weeks, but knowing him for so long, I knew that he wouldn’t go into detail so I didn’t bother. We made love that night. Well not so much love as he was pounding my back out. It was a crazy goodbye session that left my sore all over and my insides swollen. He left the next morning and as I watched him walk to his car my female intuition was screaming that something was wrong. I paid it no mind because obviously this so called intuition was on an extended vacation when Jason had done his dirt. I showered and dressed and rode over to Monique’s house. I had a key so I let myself in and made breakfast and Margaritas. Monique came downstairs being woken by the sound of the blender. “Breakfast smells good, but don’t you think its too early for drinks?” she asked. “What? Miss ‘let me take a shot because I’m thirsty’ is turning down a drink?” I asked handing her a glass and a plate. We both laughed. We were far from alcoholics but we both drank like fish.
“I was gunna ask you to come up with me to Brooklyn” Monique said between sips
“Eric just left this morning to go up there.” I said.
“Oh yea?”
“He said he had some business to attend to”
“Well while he takes care of our business we can take care of ours”
“Aight” I said. “Sounds like a plan. What you wanna go up there for anyway”
“I got this new boo I met out here last week, but he live in Brooklyn, so I figured why not. I can go see my boo, get some shopping done, see the family and kill madd birds with one stone.”
We finished breakfast her running her mouth all the while about her boo “Dice“. I helped her pack then we rode over to my place so I could get my stuff and then we hit the road. I made her drive since I was still sore not to mention tired.
Brooklyn was well… Brooklyn. Monique politely dropped herself off at Dice house and after introductions were made told me to pick her up at 11 so we could go party in the city. I took my free time to go back to my old block. I chilled with all my old friends and later scooped up all of my siblings and took them out to IHOP. After dropping each one off at their respective address I realized that I never settled and unpacked. Up to now I didn’t think about where I was going to stay. I called Eric planning on surprising him, but he didn’t answer so I decided to go visit his mother. When she opened the door she was more than happy to see me. She invited me in and we talked for about an hour. When I told her that Eric and I were back together her only reply was “Is that so?” with a strange expression on her face. Suddenly she said she had some things to do and told me I should go. She rushed me out of the house so fast I forgot my keys on the table. I turned around and knocked on the door but she didn’t answer. I banged harder. “Mrs. Dafiere I left my keys! I cant leave if I don’t have my keys.” She finally returned shoving the keys through the barely cracked door. “Hold the door open Ma.” I turned to see a group of girls walking up the steps. Mrs. Dafiere looked like she had just seen a ghost. I turned to leave, all of the girls staring at me. “Who was that” one of them asked. “No one” Mrs. Dafiere replied. My intuition was yelling at me again and I couldn’t help but listen this time. “You wanna come to the hospital with us?” was the last thing I heard before I started my engine and music came blasting through my speakers. The girls were still looking back at me. I should have turned down my music to hear the conversation but a part of me didn’t want to know. I decided to just check into a hotel in the city and have Monique take a cab to meet me up there. I took pleasure in getting a full body massage in my suite. I hadn’t pampered myself like this in… well… never. Thought I deserved it though, my nerves were a bit rattled from the pale look on Mrs. Dafiere’s face as well as the faces of those girls watching me suspiciously. Monique called to cancel on me for our party plans because she was sore, but I had a feeling she was trying to stay with Dice for a few more rounds. I didn’t mind. I told her where I was and to meet me in the morning. I ordered a bottle of wine and chilled in the room dancing naked to the sounds of Jah Cure mesmerized by the beautiful scene of the concrete jungle.
Early in the morning Eric called me. He told me he was just calling to check in on me. I was still half asleep and mumbled something back to him. He told me he would be really busy the next few days so not to be worried if he didn’t pick up and he would call me when ever he had a chance. We exchanged our goodbyes and I immediately fell back asleep. When Monique arrived later we took a sweet guilty pleasure in shutting the city down. We hit up all the stores that had something pretty in the window. Up until now I hadn’t spent the money I took from Jason, but now I was burning a serious hole in that shit and loving every minute of it. After a day full day of shopping, eating, and shopping again we were exhausted but ready to party. We got all dolled up and decided to call some of our other girls from Brooklyn to come party with us. I was planning on picking everyone up myself but no one could decide who would be the designated driver and Monique had pretty much texted every girl from our old clique there was no way 12 girls were going to fit in my Lexus. “I have an idea!” Renee yelled suddenly. “Why don’t we just get a limo?” she was practically jumping up and down like a little kid. “Seriously Monique? A limo?” “Why not?” she asked. “The girls haven’t seen you in forever, you doing good for yourself, and if we going in VIP we might s well do it all the way legit.” I thought about it for a minute. “Fuck it, why not” I finally agreed. We didn’t tell the girls that we were coming in a limo, we just showed up. Everyone was excited. We decided to go to Webster Hall. We walked in like a celebrity entourage, the crowd parting like the red sea as we made our way straight to the front of the line and right up to VIP where our section was waiting with bottles on deck. We started popping immediately and began to have a good time. There was a sudden uproar of cheers coming from our right and Moet was flying everywhere. I was pissed it had gotten on my new dress but I was tipsy enough to let it slide. However, being nosy, I made my way over to the group guys from where the liquor had flown. Surprisingly I knew most of them. I hugged the guys making my way of the center of the group where one guy was ecstatic. “My Nigga is a mutha fuckin father!! I cant believe it! My manz is a fucking father now!” I smiled, thinking it was nice it was for a bunch of guys to be celebrating fatherhood, even though I thought the ‘Father’ should be with the baby and its mother. There was a huge cake on their table that said “Congratulations” with the newborn’s first picture on it. Just then Eric turned around. I sauntered over to him and gave him a hug and kissed him on the lips pressing my body against his. The cheers from the crowd suddenly stopped. Just then the DJ made a shout out “Big up to my boy Eric on your first born. I see you!” All of my girls had gathered around and watched as I pulled back and slowly walked away and out of the club. I was devastated. More so I was pissed the hell off. Why was it always me. I was about to go back in the club and raise hell but Monique came running out of the club looking for me. “I’m so sorry! I was gunna tell you but…” she was still talking but the first part of her sentence was stuck in my head. I was gunna tell you but…
To Be Continued...
8-27-09
Changing faces from all the niggas I dated
Damn I hate it but such is life
I wanna be faithful
He says I'm ungrateful and rude
That's not the case
I'm just blunt with the truth
But what ever
I'm not stressing over bullshit reactions
Life's distractions are only what you let them be
Me, I have an issue with guys
No ones right
They all wanna fuKk you
But they don't add to your life
You cum and they go
Then what??
See what I mean
My biggest concern should be "I, Myself, and Me"
But its not
Ima have to get it right soon
By the time I turn around my lil daughter gon be 2
I believe in second chances but I'm on 283
Can't depend on nobody
Cuz I got somebody depending on me
I want the best life has to offer
Plus food stamps and medicaid
Trust, I'm paving roads straight to better days
Damn I hate it but such is life
I wanna be faithful
He says I'm ungrateful and rude
That's not the case
I'm just blunt with the truth
But what ever
I'm not stressing over bullshit reactions
Life's distractions are only what you let them be
Me, I have an issue with guys
No ones right
They all wanna fuKk you
But they don't add to your life
You cum and they go
Then what??
See what I mean
My biggest concern should be "I, Myself, and Me"
But its not
Ima have to get it right soon
By the time I turn around my lil daughter gon be 2
I believe in second chances but I'm on 283
Can't depend on nobody
Cuz I got somebody depending on me
I want the best life has to offer
Plus food stamps and medicaid
Trust, I'm paving roads straight to better days
*Untitled*
I love you, I love you, I love you
I hear myself say it all the time
But am I really speaking the truth
Or just repeating the same old lie
Pouring out of my mouth
Into the cup that is their heart
The sweet taste of the melodic words
To me it has become an art
So tell me since I lie about what I desire
Will there ever be someone that can truly inspire
My heart to open up
And experience what I imitate
Will love ever let me truly participate
I wonder...
I hear myself say it all the time
But am I really speaking the truth
Or just repeating the same old lie
Pouring out of my mouth
Into the cup that is their heart
The sweet taste of the melodic words
To me it has become an art
So tell me since I lie about what I desire
Will there ever be someone that can truly inspire
My heart to open up
And experience what I imitate
Will love ever let me truly participate
I wonder...
I Miss You
My heart aches cuz im not there with you. My lips are burning, its been so long since I`ve kissed you. Remember your face when I seen you on my last day. Now im sittin here cryin and listening to Yesterday. "Its so hard" cuz the memories of you and me, I see `em so vividly, its like im watchin TV. The episodes are rollin by like da tears dats fallin from my eyes. Yea dats right, ya shorti had to cry. I couldnt b a punk cuz i dont play that part, but my soft side would let the tears fall from my heart.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
The End
You broke my heart about a thousand times
Baby are you still not satisfied?
You say you love me to death
But are you willing to stress me till I die
From a broken heart that
You could've mended long ago
But I was just ya arm piece
Ya shorty just for show
Something that you thought would always be there
You disregarded my feelings
Did you ever really care?
Im to the point where I see
That loving you is destroying me
I let you go turn around
And let you right back in
Thats why you treat me this way
You're comfortable in this situation
Well Im done, towel in
I cant play this anymore
Im locking it for good for you
As I finally close this door
Baby are you still not satisfied?
You say you love me to death
But are you willing to stress me till I die
From a broken heart that
You could've mended long ago
But I was just ya arm piece
Ya shorty just for show
Something that you thought would always be there
You disregarded my feelings
Did you ever really care?
Im to the point where I see
That loving you is destroying me
I let you go turn around
And let you right back in
Thats why you treat me this way
You're comfortable in this situation
Well Im done, towel in
I cant play this anymore
Im locking it for good for you
As I finally close this door
Sunday, August 1, 2010
F.T.S.
I have no where to go
Nothing to show
Im hangin at the end of my rope
But new days keep comin
Im not frontin
I kno Im stressin
Madd lies goin round
But in the end
It dont matter who said it
Or if its true
Im on my grind
Doin what I gotta do
And now what?
No roof, no guap
DAMN I feel stuck
I swear to God I feel like givin up
Throw the towel in
6 feet under, face up
Then I think about my daughter and regret it
But yea I still said it
If workin hard dont make me stable
How the fukk Im s'posed to get it
So please TELL ME
What a bitch gotta do
I've tried and I've tried
But its just no use
All the tears from the pain
Got me goin thru this agony
If there's supposed to better days
Then why's my life filled with:
Tragedy? Heart break?
And phony back stabbin mutha fukkas
I been tryna live straight
But now I feel like gettin Gutta,
Grimey, Shiesty, straight fukkin Bitch Mode
The voices say I should give in
But I dont mutha fukkin think so
T.B.C....
Friday, September 25, 2009
My Solitude
I am a person that truly believes that everything happens for a reason, so let this be a lesson unto me, that whosoever be a burden or cause havoc in my life, I shall not curse them, for they are the ones that I shall thank for making me strong enough to receive my blessing....
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
...shambles...
I feel like my life is in total and complete shambles...
I feel like I have no one to turn to that will hold me close and tell me that everything is gonna be okay.
I feel like I have no shoulder to break down and cry on
So I just bow my head in shame while the tears race each other down my pale face.
I feel like the one who was supposed to be... never was
And the one that never was... actually is.
I feel like the world was always against me
But I know that I was always against myself
I feel like I cant breathe, my heart is racing, but I cant take in air.
I feel like I'm in this by myself because circumstances make me think that people aren't supposed to care.
They never did, they never do, and they never will...
Unless my body, or somebody is cold and lying still, then they will
I feel like ... I feel... I... ...
I cant even feel any more...
I feel like I have no one to turn to that will hold me close and tell me that everything is gonna be okay.
I feel like I have no shoulder to break down and cry on
So I just bow my head in shame while the tears race each other down my pale face.
I feel like the one who was supposed to be... never was
And the one that never was... actually is.
I feel like the world was always against me
But I know that I was always against myself
I feel like I cant breathe, my heart is racing, but I cant take in air.
I feel like I'm in this by myself because circumstances make me think that people aren't supposed to care.
They never did, they never do, and they never will...
Unless my body, or somebody is cold and lying still, then they will
I feel like ... I feel... I... ...
I cant even feel any more...
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Didn't Almost Not
Cry, Cry, Cry, Cry, Cry...
Its the story of my life.
I'm such an emotional girl
Here it comes again
My chest feels tight....
***just wait***
***okay continue***
I feel neglected
My heart has such a yearning
Like nobody really cares
I want the love I never had
Hold on my eyes are burning
***just wait***
***okay continue***
Secret thoughts behind closed eyes
Memories I'll never forget
Hugs and kisses
Re envisioned
Hold on my face is wet
***I cant wait***
***I wont Continue***
I cant wait for someone to come sweep me of my feet
Take me to a paradise
Because we've painted the world as hell
All the drugs that we sell
Deal, Use, Get high
Yea getting high makes me feel so right
But I'm still on the ground running
From my enemies but mostly from myself
I cant continue to do the things I've done
Expecting to get something greater
Greater Love
Greater Happiness
I haven't even tried...
That's why I cry, cry, cry, cry, cry
I give so much
All my heart and all my love
Treat everyone better than myself
Then wonder why I got the hand I was dealt.
Some one told my I didn't love my self...
Maybe its true...
Its the story of my life.
I'm such an emotional girl
Here it comes again
My chest feels tight....
***just wait***
***okay continue***
I feel neglected
My heart has such a yearning
Like nobody really cares
I want the love I never had
Hold on my eyes are burning
***just wait***
***okay continue***
Secret thoughts behind closed eyes
Memories I'll never forget
Hugs and kisses
Re envisioned
Hold on my face is wet
***I cant wait***
***I wont Continue***
I cant wait for someone to come sweep me of my feet
Take me to a paradise
Because we've painted the world as hell
All the drugs that we sell
Deal, Use, Get high
Yea getting high makes me feel so right
But I'm still on the ground running
From my enemies but mostly from myself
I cant continue to do the things I've done
Expecting to get something greater
Greater Love
Greater Happiness
I haven't even tried...
That's why I cry, cry, cry, cry, cry
I give so much
All my heart and all my love
Treat everyone better than myself
Then wonder why I got the hand I was dealt.
Some one told my I didn't love my self...
Maybe its true...
In His Arms
When I was a child, I had a safe heaven. It was perfect. It was security. It was comfort.
When I was a child, my dad used to beat me... sometimes really bad. I would run upstairs and climb into my grandma's bed and hope that she could protect me, but even at the tender young age of 7, I knew that the only person who could really protect me was God. After I had gotten beat, or when I was really sad, I would go into the spare room in my grandma's house. I called it "The Holy Room." There was a bed, laying sideways against 2 windows. The tall dresser served as the make shift alter. On top there was a fancy china plate with the Virgin Mary painted on it, there was a crucifixion cross, and a white candle was continuously burning. My grandmother also had a small radio that played the christian station (94.7 Family Radio -thanks Kenneth for reminding me-) 24/7/365 (366 in a leap year). This was my safe heaven.
I would lay as close to the window as possible, looking as hard as I could to see at least one star in the bright sky. The flood light next to my window didn't help, but I still tried. After a while, I would say my prayers, just like my grandma taught me (an "Our Father", followed by thanking God for EVERYTHING, then asking for forgiveness for all the wrong things I've done. Then I would ask the lord to bless all the people I knew, I would ask God to fix me and make me a better child, and finally I'd wrap it up with 'In my little bed I lie..."
When my prayers were finally done, I would close my eyes real tight and imagine I was a tiny baby, floating high in the sky, above the clouds, looking down at the stars. I would imagine that God was holding me in his arms, rocking me to sleep, wiping away my tears, and letting me know that everything was going to be okay. If I tried hard enough, I could actually feel myself being rocked back and forth. I felt at peace. I still do it to this day, and it always makes me feel better...
You should try it.
When I was a child, my dad used to beat me... sometimes really bad. I would run upstairs and climb into my grandma's bed and hope that she could protect me, but even at the tender young age of 7, I knew that the only person who could really protect me was God. After I had gotten beat, or when I was really sad, I would go into the spare room in my grandma's house. I called it "The Holy Room." There was a bed, laying sideways against 2 windows. The tall dresser served as the make shift alter. On top there was a fancy china plate with the Virgin Mary painted on it, there was a crucifixion cross, and a white candle was continuously burning. My grandmother also had a small radio that played the christian station (94.7 Family Radio -thanks Kenneth for reminding me-) 24/7/365 (366 in a leap year). This was my safe heaven.
I would lay as close to the window as possible, looking as hard as I could to see at least one star in the bright sky. The flood light next to my window didn't help, but I still tried. After a while, I would say my prayers, just like my grandma taught me (an "Our Father", followed by thanking God for EVERYTHING, then asking for forgiveness for all the wrong things I've done. Then I would ask the lord to bless all the people I knew, I would ask God to fix me and make me a better child, and finally I'd wrap it up with 'In my little bed I lie..."
When my prayers were finally done, I would close my eyes real tight and imagine I was a tiny baby, floating high in the sky, above the clouds, looking down at the stars. I would imagine that God was holding me in his arms, rocking me to sleep, wiping away my tears, and letting me know that everything was going to be okay. If I tried hard enough, I could actually feel myself being rocked back and forth. I felt at peace. I still do it to this day, and it always makes me feel better...
You should try it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)