The End

You broke my heart about a thousand times
Baby are you still not satisfied?
You say you love me to death
But are you willing to stress me till I die
From a broken heart that
You could've mended long ago
But I was just ya arm piece
Ya shorty just for show
Something that you thought would always be there
You disregarded my feelings
Did you ever really care?
Im to the point where I see
That loving you is destroying me
I let you go turn around
And let you right back in
Thats why you treat me this way
You're comfortable in this situation
Well Im done, towel in
I cant play this anymore
Im locking it for good for you
As I finally close this door

F.T.S.

I have no where to go

Nothing to show

Im hangin at the end of my rope

But new days keep comin

Im not frontin

I kno Im stressin

Madd lies goin round

But in the end

It dont matter who said it

Or if its true

Im on my grind

Doin what I gotta do

And now what?

No roof, no guap

DAMN I feel stuck

I swear to God I feel like givin up

Throw the towel in

6 feet under, face up

Then I think about my daughter and regret it

But yea I still said it

If workin hard dont make me stable

How the fukk Im s'posed to get it

So please TELL ME

What a bitch gotta do

I've tried and I've tried

But its just no use

All the tears from the pain

Got me goin thru this agony

If there's supposed to better days

Then why's my life filled with:

Tragedy? Heart break?

And phony back stabbin mutha fukkas

I been tryna live straight

But now I feel like gettin Gutta,

Grimey, Shiesty, straight fukkin Bitch Mode

The voices say I should give in

But I dont mutha fukkin think so

T.B.C....

My Solitude

I am a person that truly believes that everything happens for a reason, so let this be a lesson unto me, that whosoever be a burden or cause havoc in my life, I shall not curse them, for they are the ones that I shall thank for making me strong enough to receive my blessing....

...shambles...

I feel like my life is in total and complete shambles...

I feel like I have no one to turn to that will hold me close and tell me that everything is gonna be okay.

I feel like I have no shoulder to break down and cry on

So I just bow my head in shame while the tears race each other down my pale face.

I feel like the one who was supposed to be... never was

And the one that never was... actually is.

I feel like the world was always against me

But I know that I was always against myself

I feel like I cant breathe, my heart is racing, but I cant take in air.

I feel like I'm in this by myself because circumstances make me think that people aren't supposed to care.

They never did, they never do, and they never will...

Unless my body, or somebody is cold and lying still, then they will

I feel like ... I feel... I... ...

I cant even feel any more...

Didn't Almost Not

Cry, Cry, Cry, Cry, Cry...
Its the story of my life.
I'm such an emotional girl
Here it comes again
My chest feels tight....
***just wait***
***okay continue***
I feel neglected
My heart has such a yearning
Like nobody really cares
I want the love I never had
Hold on my eyes are burning
***just wait***
***okay continue***
Secret thoughts behind closed eyes
Memories I'll never forget
Hugs and kisses
Re envisioned
Hold on my face is wet
***I cant wait***
***I wont Continue***
I cant wait for someone to come sweep me of my feet
Take me to a paradise
Because we've painted the world as hell
All the drugs that we sell
Deal, Use, Get high
Yea getting high makes me feel so right
But I'm still on the ground running
From my enemies but mostly from myself
I cant continue to do the things I've done
Expecting to get something greater
Greater Love
Greater Happiness
I haven't even tried...
That's why I cry, cry, cry, cry, cry
I give so much
All my heart and all my love
Treat everyone better than myself
Then wonder why I got the hand I was dealt.
Some one told my I didn't love my self...
Maybe its true...

In His Arms

When I was a child, I had a safe heaven. It was perfect. It was security. It was comfort.

When I was a child, my dad used to beat me... sometimes really bad. I would run upstairs and climb into my grandma's bed and hope that she could protect me, but even at the tender young age of 7, I knew that the only person who could really protect me was God. After I had gotten beat, or when I was really sad, I would go into the spare room in my grandma's house. I called it "The Holy Room." There was a bed, laying sideways against 2 windows. The tall dresser served as the make shift alter. On top there was a fancy china plate with the Virgin Mary painted on it, there was a crucifixion cross, and a white candle was continuously burning. My grandmother also had a small radio that played the christian station (94.7 Family Radio -thanks Kenneth for reminding me-) 24/7/365 (366 in a leap year). This was my safe heaven.

I would lay as close to the window as possible, looking as hard as I could to see at least one star in the bright sky. The flood light next to my window didn't help, but I still tried. After a while, I would say my prayers, just like my grandma taught me (an "Our Father", followed by thanking God for EVERYTHING, then asking for forgiveness for all the wrong things I've done. Then I would ask the lord to bless all the people I knew, I would ask God to fix me and make me a better child, and finally I'd wrap it up with 'In my little bed I lie..."

When my prayers were finally done, I would close my eyes real tight and imagine I was a tiny baby, floating high in the sky, above the clouds, looking down at the stars. I would imagine that God was holding me in his arms, rocking me to sleep, wiping away my tears, and letting me know that everything was going to be okay. If I tried hard enough, I could actually feel myself being rocked back and forth. I felt at peace. I still do it to this day, and it always makes me feel better...

You should try it.

For What Its Worth

Long distance relationships never really work out in the end. I've heard this many times from a lot of people, and have actually went through that same emotional roller coaster a few times myself. It seems that at one time or another in my life I've had to because I travel so much. I constantly ask myself, why am I doing this to myself. Always wondering where he is, why he didn't answer his phone, and how come he's out so late... If I'm stressing this hard and he doesn't appreciate it, work on it, or even put in half the effort that I'm giving, then what is it worth?


"My fingers are numb, my arms are tired, and my heart is weak... Maybe I'm just holding on too tight for all the wrong reasons. Its not like you're helping me up, as long as I'm not actually falling you think its okay because "I got it" but when are you gonna "have" me... Maybe I'm tired of holding on... for all the wrong reasons." - TeLLiey*