I don't know what brought this up... maybe its because lately I've been telling all of my friends that they should pray but I can't even remember the last time I been down on my knees...
Its not that I don't know how to pray. I grew up in a Christian home. My mom taught me about God n Jesus and my grandma taught me all my prayers. I went to a Christian school for 3 years and when I was in TX as a kid with my mom I don't think there was a day out the week we weren't in church. We had Sunday school, morning and evening service, choir rehearsal, praise team practice, bible study, and missionettes...
"So what's the problem?" your thinking... I don't know... :(
This is how it started
Christmas eve (06) we went to church. I was living with my friend Ashley Stewart and her family at the time. First off we were late, but as soon as we got there I was eager to go into the sanctuary. As soon as we sat down I began to cry. I was seriously flooding with tears and I could barely control it. The preacher spoke to me and that day I re-dedicated my life to the Lord. It felt so good...
I met my friends aunt Johnnie... and God knows there are no words to describe her. She began to speak to me and my friend Alegra kept calling. She was a close friend of ours in California was was supposed to be at the house for dinner with her "fiance". When she finally arrived it all started Prayer... crying... telling... speaking, and more prayer and tears. Then Ashley's little sister, Melody (who drs said would be mentally challenged because of her downs syndrome, and she still proves them wrong to this day) began telling a story, at first we didn't understand. She spoke of a tree covered by a white cloud that was growing IN the water and was nurturing white flowers. We asked her to go into detail and then corrected her and told her that a tree can grow near water but not in it, but she insisted. The tree was IN the water. That day we discovered that Alegra had the gift of interpretation. Melody was talking about me...
New years eve... We went to church. Normal church service. That night the ball dropped and we all celebrated with a toast. (Uncle James, Aunt Janice, Aunt Johnnie, Mom Stewart, Ashley, and I) After the toast we began to pray and Uncle James laid his hands on my head and prayed. He told me to speak in tongues because I could. But I was scared because I never had. Yet he was telling me.. No commanding that the tongues fill my mouth and speak, but my body got weak and I fell down. I wasn't unconscious or anything, but my eyes were closed and God was speaking to me. When I got up every one in the room, including Ashley, was speaking in tongues. Uncle James was praying over her so I went and laid my hands on her shoulders as he prayed. Once again his hands were laid on me as they prayed over me and I began to sob uncontrollably. I sat down on the floor and began crying and praying asking God to forgive me for my sexual past. I was so sick of it and the way I had always felt. As aunt Johnnie rubbed my back I began screaming that what ever was in me get out and leave me alone. I screamed and screamed and cried until my throat was raw but I still prayed. Then I began going back and forth between speaking in tongues and English. It scared me so bad because I didn't know what I was saying but I was conscious of how I felt. Then aunt Janice came to me and told me to speak in tongues and I cried but I couldn't will myself to speak. She laid her hands on my belly and mom Stewart laid her hands on my throat. I could feel myself fighting but the words came rushing out of my mouth hot and fast (yes they felt hot). All of this while tears were streaming down my face. After that night, I never felt the same.
When I went to boot camp in Feb. On our 1st few days there one of my ship mated had a seizure while we were eating dinner. Naturally those who were around him including myself tried to help him by laying him on his side but we were yelled out because its a rule in boot camp that under no circumstances are we to touch each other. They cleared out the room and left the guy there. We all thought he was gonna die because it didn't seem like any one was helping him. They took us back to our "ship" and we were all standing at attention in front of our racks like the soldiers we were training to be. Yet we all had tears in our eyes and one girl fell to her knees and began to cry. One by one the ladies in the room dropped to their knees crying. I found myself in the middle of the room telling them to be strong. I began speaking words of encouragement and suddenly I began to pray. Praying faster and faster I started praying in tongues. I was loud... and I felt... different. When I was finished praying I collapsed to the floor. The chief of my division was standing in the door way. Normally we would have gotten in trouble. I don't know if it was due to the circumstances or because of the power of God but the chief acted as if nothing had happened. After that all of the people in my division came to me for prayer. It felt good. They voted me to be the Recruit Chaplain Petty Officer (or the recruit religious petty officer) and I was proud that people could see me that way. It was a unanimous vote and people were supposed to volunteer for the jobs. Either way it made me feel good.
But after boot camp I fell back into my same ways and I guess I was afraid to pray because I thought God was disappointed in me... I tried to go to church a few times since then but I just get so scared to pray and so scared that I might speak in tongues again that all I can do is cry. I know God has a plan for me but I don't think I'm strong enough or ready for that type of power. I don't think I'm good enough. So I just keep running away. I don't want to be another Jonah cuz I'm not tryna get swallowed up by no whale :) but I don't wanna find out how he gonna get me to do his work either. I'm so confused. And living in this ghetto neighborhood is not helping. On one had I'm just a regular hood girl, and on the other I'm a really spiritual lady. I guess I stick to the hood side because I know I can't fail at being a sinner... its sad really... I'm just so confused as to what I'm supposed to do :(
Any comments? Opinions?? Words of advice??? Help me
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